I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
