Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
