i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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