Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
