I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you have to choose: penises or morals?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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