Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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