i barfeds in our rink
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
