Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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