We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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