just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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