we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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