please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize