Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
