I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
