He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize