I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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