can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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