very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
