I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
