My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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