dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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