She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
