good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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