i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
