Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
