what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I intend to get homeless drunk
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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