How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
