"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
