I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
