You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
