Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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