You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
