I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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