I just pynch a tree in the face
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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