I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
