Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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