why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
