apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize