Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
