this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
