I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
