Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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