remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
