bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
