there were more penises there than on chat roulette
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
