I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
