After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
