I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
