I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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