Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
