note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
honey bunches of taint.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
