ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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