I cannot find my penis.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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