i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
